Wow!  It has been FOR-EV-ER since I blogged!  I meant to keep up on this thing but I guess life has been busier than I expected.  I titled this post “A candid look into my heart…” because it may be a random blog.  Its a mish-mash of random thoughts I’ve been thinking over the last 6 months and I guess I need to process them out loud.  This may not really be all that relevant to anyone else other than me so forgive me if this bores you….you aren’t expected to read the whole thing.  I’ll try to put up pictures to help spice it up

Well first off….I started a journey about 10 months ago that started with a book called Made to Crave and a hunger (no pun intended) to learn how to crave God more than food.  The response I received from this blog was overwhelming.

You can read about it here: http://sarah.haseldens.com/2011/05/i-have-a-confession/ .

I had no idea so many women that I love and respect also struggled with this addiction to food.  Well I have had a few people ask about how that journey is going and so I wanted to update you all.  At one point I had lost 25 pounds!!! This, of course, was before the holidays hit but I’m happy to say I didn’t overindulge (too much) on Thanksgiving and Christmas foods.  I realize its not really those meals though that make it difficult during the holidays.  Its the endless amounts of cookies, fudge, and other sweets.  I LOVE my job, don’t get me wrong.  And I’m SOOO blessed to work for my church.  And I am so thankful for the many wonderful things that we receive as a staff for gifts.  But they were almost all sweets!!!  I tried to give most of them away though the gesture was incredibly sweet and I’m so blessed.  I sat for a second just soaking in the hours of love that went into baking each cookie and yummy thing before finding a good home for them lol.  Anyway, this holiday season I gained 5 of the pounds back.  Which really isn’t that much in comparison to how much i’ve gained in the past but it was more than i’d hoped to gain.  I believe i’m hovering around 21 pounds lost since starting this journey.  I don’t measure my stomach or thighs or anything like that so i’m not sure about inches.  I know my clothes fit better and I’ve dropped down a pants size and a t-shirt size for sure!  That felt really good.  I’d like to lose another 15 to 20 pounds and so I’m back on little to no sweets again.  I allow myself one sweet thing a week.

I also have started running!!!  Well running is a relative term in my vocabulary.  I walk/jog or what I call woggin or jalking.  I go once  a week for sure but really need to do one more day a week as well.  I also try to do yoga on wednesday’s with a friend.  So if I can get in the yoga and 2 jalkings a week I would be really satisfied with my progress.  I feel sore after each workout and am enjoying that feeling.  I’m just lazy.  I need to face my own laziness.  I also like to blame the weather LOL.  I need to make it a priority to be healthy and workout.  Okay…that was my self pep-talk.

Anyway, I never thought i’d enjoy jalking but since discovering Nike+ for my iPhone I am really loving it!  It keeps track of my total miles, lets me listen to my “workout” playlist on shuffle, tells me how many calories I burned, how far I went, my average time, and I can post it to facebook and be encouraged by friends.  I’m a list maker and so this really appeals to my type A personality side.  I highly recommend this app to anyone who is thinking about running.  its super motivating.  And maybe, just maybe, someday I can actually jog the whole time and not have to stop to walk

I’m slightly ashamed (okay more than slightly ashamed) of how far I let myself go.  Here is a candid look at my before and after pictures….they weren’t taken with this purpose so hopefully you can even tell I lost weight LOL!

June 2011 - towards the start of my journey

June 2011 - beginning of Journey

August 2011

October 2011

Christmas - 2011

Um…..Okay as I look at the pictures they don’t really tell you anything. SO I guess I just wanted to post embarrassing pictures of myself!!  Anyway….You get the point…sorta.  I’m feeling healthier and excited to keep up this journey.  More importantly than losing the weight though is the victory over the grip that temptation and overindulgence had on my life.  I no longer live for the next meal and lust over what I’m going to eat.  I enjoy not eating lots of sweets and not obsessing over it and wondering how much I can get away with eating without people judging me.  Overall….i’m thankful.  I know this is a lifelong battle though.  Its my vice.  If I allow too much back in it will take hold again.  And so i’m surrendered to knowing I need to constantly be aware of this addiction and being able to say “no” when i’m offered something that looks yummy.

I am also so proud of my sister Laura for losing 50 pounds and looking awesome!  And my sister in law Amandolin is running 5 miles a day and going to train for a marathon next summer.  Overall it feels like a season of getting healthy for my family and I’m so thankful for it!!  Way to go Haseldens!

So I also know most of you know what the year 2011 held for me: a huge heartbreak and life change.  The verse “be angry and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26) was a verse that I was tested on.  Its been almost 5 months since the divorce was final, almost 8 months since separation, and 3 1/2 years since the initial confession and grief over the violation of my ex-husband.  Now I don’t say any of this to condemn him or demonize him.  I pray for him and his heart towards God and wish him the best.  I can honestly say that my heart holds no bitterness towards him…only sadness and pity.  Its never something to be gloated over when someone falls.  Its sad to God therefore sad to me.  But this isn’t about him.  This is about my heart and how God is molding and shaping it.

After the separation I was taken in by an amazing couple from church.  I spent 4 months with them and was so blessed by the quiet and solitude they gave me.  My temptation was to numb any pain and watch movies or stay busy but I spent this time praying, worshipping and journaling through the thoughts and feelings that I had.  I was amazed at how quickly God was helping me move through the grief over the loss of my marriage the pain that was inflicted on my heart.  In talking to a Godly friend, she pointed out that I had already been through this process once before.

1 1/2 into our marriage he confessed to being unfaithful with several women and I was devastated…broken.  My heart was ripped from my chest.  I am not even sure how I functioned during that time.   We had a few sessions of professional marriage counseling happen as well as some counseling from pastoral staff.  It seemed as though things were healing and getting better but as I look back….I realize that my heart never reattached to him.  I believe that I partially expected him to hurt me again and so my heart stayed distant, in order to protect itself from any further harm.  I don’t believe this is wrong.  I’ve heard it takes, on average, 7 years for trust to be built back up again after an offense of this caliber.  I feel so protected by God.  We had tried to buy a house and failed.  We had been trying to get pregnant and failed.  God knew all along that there would need to be a clean break and that our marriage was not a healthy place for these blessings to take place.  I’m eternally grateful that there weren’t ties such as these to him.  It would have made the process that much harder.

And so here I am, post divorce and how do I feel?  Peaceful.  Good.  Hopeful.  God has used a number of people to be a part of my healing process.  I have had to face my own faults in the marriage and own up to them.  I wasn’t a perfect wife.  Nothing I did is an excuse for what he did but I still have to face the fact that I could have done better in the marriage.

I feel like i’m getting closer and closer to being whole again.

I’ve enjoyed this time with God and making new friends.

I live with some amazing Christian women from my church and am enjoying this new thing: girl roommates .

My job is going really well and is keeping me busy with new big and exciting projects.

I don’t harbor any bitterness.

I don’t feel angry.

I don’t feel empty.

God has taught me to rely on Him fully and to seek Him in all my decisions.  And so I’m doing that.  I’m dreaming again.  I’m 3 1/2 years into the grieving and I’m thankful for the struggle.  I never want to go through it again….I never wish this on anyone.  But God has used it to make me stronger.

My criteria for a future husband is MUCH more comprehensive spiritually and he is going to be UH-MAZE-ING!  I look forward to being able to “do it right” as far as dating and marriage is concerned.  To be an example to my D-group (Discipleship Group – HS girls that I meet with on Sunday nights…they ROCK!) that you CAN wait until marriage to have sex.  That God will still bless your wedding night even if you’d made mistakes in the past.  I look forward to not having the struggles that came in my marriage because of sexual sin: mistrust, guilt, shame, blame etc .  I look forward to it being a testimony of God’s redemption and healing and how He can make all things….all situations….all people beautiful again.

There was a song that was sent to me by my lovely cousin/sister/best friend right in the midst of those first few weeks.  Its called Beautiful Things by Gungor.  It has been my anthem, my hope, my promise to cling to, my encouragement.  There are a number of songs and verses that were these things to me in those first few months but this one stands out among them.  Here are the lyrics:

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Listen to the song.  Dear brother.  Dear sister.  If you are going through something hard.   Something that seems hopeless.  That seems like nothing good or beautiful can come of it.  Something that doesn’t make sense.   If you wonder why God is “allowing” this to happen to you.  If you long for comfort.  My heart is with you.  My encouragement would be to just take one step after another.  God doesn’t usually light the whole path but He shows us just enough that we can handle.  I didn’t know from day to day what to do.  But God kept showing me one step after another until one day, I looked back. and realized how far i’d come already and it filled me with hope to keep going.  God makes all things beautiful, He makes us new.  We are never beyond His reach.  Never too far.  Never alone.

K Gotta go!  Be blessed!

I HATE these kinds of scales….absolutely HATE them!  They are so inaccurate and difficult to read!  This is what we have at the gym.  Now I KNOW my weight doesn’t matter but if I’m going to weigh myself I’d like it be at least a little definitive so I can get an idea of where I’m at LOL.  So… I weighed myself yesterday after a great Zumba workout and I lost…..DRUMROLL PLEASE:

5 pounds!

I was excited because the scale reflected how I’ve been feeling.  I believe I’m averaging about a pound a week right now which is healthy I’ve heard.  Now….I’m not sold on that being the norm because again: I know as soon as I start letting the scale determine how I feel and if i’m victorious it will cease to go down in numbers lol.  I just wanted to fill you guys in on the update:)  Keep up the good work ladies!

So no, I don’t have another confession.  I just realized it’s been a while since I wrote that blog and I should fill you in the progress I’m making on this journey to crave God more than food.

Well…its safe to say it hasn’t been any easy road so far.  Its been filled with doubt, frustration, feeling like its not fair, annoyed, hungry, anxiousness, feeling lonely and well, you get the picture.  But its also been equally filled with feeling strong, victory, determination, power that comes from Christ, being full, feeling satisfied and comforted by God, not food.

Its a daily struggle.  An hourly struggle.  A by-the-minute struggle.  A moment by moment struggle.  Sometimes I’m really strong and feel empowered by eating what I can have and not wanting what I shouldn’t have.  But other moments I’m feeling so weak and wishing I could just indulge in something crazy yummy until I throw up! lol.

This journey has been eye opening.  I have a lot of personal things going on right now and I’m SOOOOO grateful to have started this journey and commitment BEFORE a rough season hit.  I can easily say I would have given up.  I would have turned back to unhealthy choices to comfort me, make me feel better and in control.  But now I feel so strengthened knowing that I don’t need those things to comfort me and I’ve learned the lie that, in fact, they wouldn’t comfort me but make me feel WORSE in the long run.

I’m excited to say that its been about about 6 weeks since I’ve had anything labeled “sweet.”  If you know me you know this is a BIG deal!  honestly I didn’t think I could EVER go that long without it.  I would eat sweets without even thinking.  I almost always regretted eating sweet things later, mostly because I knew what it was doing to my body.  I feel so strong in that area.  Granted, I still am tempted to lick the bowl when making brownies for a church potluck and I certainly still want a candy bar when I’m in line at the grocery store, but those things don’t have a hold on me the way they did.  I know I can eat one if I want: its not a sin.  But the question I have to ask myself is “is this beneficial to my body?”  Right now, the thought of drinking a milkshake makes my stomach hurt…as I know it would make it hurt if I did it.  That is God-victory ladies.

I’ve been doing pretty well with what I eat lately too.  I’m still learning what things are healthy and what things are KINDA healthy and what things just plain aren’t.  I was almost ashamed to say that I didn’t know that all breads but wheat and multi-grains turn to sugar in your body!  no wonder I started eating more of it when I cut out sweets!  I know I still have a ways to go in this area but I’m so thankful to my accountability partner as she knows LOTS of healthy things and gave me a book to read (I haven’t started it yet though):

WOW!  I want abs like that!  Anyway, this book seems really empowering and like it could be a great companion to Made to Crave.

I do want to say something about accountability.  This has made ALL the difference in the world.  I would have quit a LONG time ago, like day 3 if I didn’t have this woman of God meeting with me faithfully, calling me out on my sins, praying with me, encouraging me, and loving me.  Ladies, this will literally make or break your success in my opinion.  I know some of you who have been strong enough to do this on your own but for a lot of us it takes having someone to push you when you want to give up.  And I’m eternally grateful for this committed sister.

So recently we also started a “mock” study of the book Made to Crave.  It is a 6 week DVD/Workbook study with 7 ladies from church.  We hoped to go through it to see how it would fare as a Sunday morning class and man I’m excited about this!  The workbook has you doing short lessons everyday and that is so great because lets face it: this is an everyday battle!  I can’t wait to see this transform our church in the fall!  Be praying about if this would be something for you.

I also took my first Zumba class!!!  Yeah this is what I look like doing it:

only less colorful :}

I absolutely LOVE this class!  I have been meaning to try it at our gym but just haven’t been able to.  The other morning I was almost done working out when I heard upbeat music and lots of screaming coming from the big room.  It was the Zumba class and I thought “they are messing up and having a blast!  I gotta try this class!”  So I looked up when the next one was and went!  Its 60 minutes long and I just discovered our gym offers it 5 times a week!  I can only make it to 3 but that would put me up to where I’d like to be working out wise.  And its such a good workout.  I can’t believe I haven’t tried it sooner.  Duh!  I love to dance so why wouldn’t I do this???  Anyway, I look forward to learning sweet new dance moves as well as burning off major calories and getting stronger.

Okay the question I’m sure is on everyone’s mind: have you lost any weight?  While this isn’t about losing weight, in theory it should naturally happen if I’m eating better and working out.  I have been making it a point to weigh myself occasionally at the gym but reminding myself that the scale doesn’t reflect my effort.  You can do everything right in this journey and not necessarily lose weight.  I just know I FEEL better than I have in a long time.  So…I didn’t weigh myself at the beginning, as you know.  But last time I weighed myself (2 weeks ago) I had lost 3 pounds.  Its a slow fade (that should be a song:)) and I’m thankful that it won’t disappoint me if its not happening fast.  And actually, if it happened fast I’m not sure I’d end up keeping it off.  Because I have to work hard at this and its a lifestyle change I hope that it will be a lasting change.  So yeah, I will probably weigh myself tonight (ZUMBA CLASS!!!!) just to see if anything has changed.  But again, i’m trying to make it a point to let my clothes determine how I’m doing, and how I feel physically: and thats great!

Oh yeah, and I successfully made it through several potlucks, catered events, birthday parties and celebrations without giving it to temptations!  This is a testimony of God strength for sure!!!

Well I think I’ve rambled on enough.  I’m sorry if this doesn’t all make sense.  I kind of wrote it off the cuff.  I also pray it encourages you to continue seeking God more than food.  I know you are strong women in the Lord who can do anything with Christ!  Let me know what you think!!!

I have a confession.

I have sin in my life.

I’ve ignored it until recently.

I need to confess this.

I know I’m not alone in this struggle.

Okay here goes:

I crave food more than I crave God.

Until recently, I have pushed this under the rug.  Growing up I had a high metabolism and played a lot of sports and could eat whatever I want so this sin was easy to hide…even from myself.  I had a skateboarding accident 5 years ago and everything went downhill from there.  I stopped exercising.  I started eating horribly.  My metabolism slowed down.  It would seal the fate of showing my condition outwardly.  Since being married almost 4 years ago, I’ve gained more weight then I care to share in this candid blog.

I noticed the weight gain but it was so slow that it was easy to push aside.  I quickly began not feeling comfortable in my clothes.  I was depressed that I was going up in sizes of clothing.  But I kept it to myself.  It’s a weird feeling, being the “biggest” one in your group of friends.  I never, ever, in a million years thought this would happen to me.  I know I sound shallow right now; it’s not like I thought less of people who were the size that I am now.  Nor do I think that I am morbidly obese.  But I know I have let myself go.  And it makes me sick.

I have always maintained a good attitude about life.  I try to always be positive.  I try not to be the person that constantly brings up her weight i.e. “I look so fat today,” “I am such a cow,” and things like that.  But those recordings still play in my head and I just don’t say them out loud.

Now I’ve tried to fix this problem.  On my own.  I’ve tried “diets.”  Not real extensively but I’ve tried to do modified versions of meta-fast and portion control.  I’ve tried fasting.  Yeah, love food to much to go more than a few days with that one.  I’ve tried exercising.  A lot.  But I would only go hardcore for like, 2 weeks and then I would find every excuse not to go to the gym.  I’m very impatient.  If I don’t see results right away, I’m over it.  Oh, and I cheated on those diets.  A lot.

I have this voice in my head that can justify ANY type of food.

• “I’ll start tomorrow.”
• “It’s only a little bit.”
• “No one will know.”
• “I’ll start next week.”
• “It’s just this one time.”
• “This is a special day/occasion/event.”

You get the point.  I can go to these scripts, rationalizations, and excuses anytime I want.  They always work.  I can lie to everyone and myself.  Except my hips don’t lie (that should be a song).  Or my stomach.  Or my arms.  Or my chin(s).  And I can’t lie to God.  I try, trust me.  I try to rationalize with Him.  But He knows.  And I’m ashamed.

So what prompted this tell-all blog, you ask?  The need for change.  A sister in Christ.  And a book.

Now before you walk away scoffing at me, thinking “yeah I bet she’s said this before,” let me explain.  This time is different.

It’s different because my heart and understanding of this sin is different.  For one, I never saw it as sin before.  But it is.  It’s something I hold up more than God.  It’s something I think about more than God.  It’s something I crave more than Him.  So it is sin.  It’s a sin that is so easy to get away with.  My drug of choice is provided for me at every church function, every family gathering, when I go to the grocery store.  If a friend walked by my cart and saw it heaping with junk food I’d wager my life that they would never say ANYTHING to confront me in my sin.  I wouldn’t to someone else in the same situation.  “Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them.” (Ephesians 5:11).  So yeah, it’s sin.

Also, I’m realizing it’s not a physical issue (well I mean it is), it’s a spiritual issue.  I’ve tried to do this on my own when I needed God to help me.  He has to be the center of this or it becomes a pride issue and all about me instead of Him.  I also understand I need accountability.  God has provided me with a wonderful sister in Christ to take this journey with me…in fact she is the one who really started me on this journey to begin with.

About six weeks ago she asked me if I’d heard of the book “Made to Crave” by Lysa Terkeurst.  I said, “No, but it sounds good!”  She started to tell me briefly about the stuff I mentioned above and I could feel God tugging at my heart, “Child, this is meant for you.  Take it.  It will draw us closer together.”  She said she had an extra copy and had been praying about whom to give it to and I was on her heart.  So I took it.  And set it aside.

Its funny how we avoid the things we know we should do.  And we do the things we really shouldn’t…hmmm I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere before…”For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I want to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” (Romans 7:15)

So I finally picked up the book, after much trepidation, and began reading.  Instantly I knew I needed this.  I knew it was right.  Everything she spoke of was how I was feeling or had felt at some point.  You know when you get that feeling, like you’ve had a revelation, a light bulb moment, so life can never be the same again?  It was that feeling.  The following thoughts are a mixture of my own and from the book.

Definition of Craving: something you long for, want greatly, desire eagerly, and beg for.

Now consider this expression of craving: “How lovely is Your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty!  My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God” (Psalm 84: 1-2)

We were created to feel this way towards God.  But we allow food, sex, money, chasing after significance etc, to fulfill this yearning, desire, and longing.  And it’s not something new.

Eve was tempted by food.

Esau was tempted by food.

JESUS was tempted by food.

We crave what we focus on.  We consume what we think about.  And what we think about can consume us if we’re not careful.

Jesus set a beautiful example of breaking this vicious cycle.  He quoted God’s Word.  With each temptation, without hesitation, Jesus quoted Scripture that refuted Satan’s temptation.

So here are some things I’m doing practically to kick this thing in the head (metaphorically, but if it was something I could physically kick in the head….I would):

Truth is powerful.  I want more of it in my life.  I have to have more of it in my life.  I am going to write out scripture that will encourage me to make better choices and seek God in some key places in my life.  On my fridge.  My bathroom mirror.  My cabinets.  In my purse.  And in my wallet.

Here are a few of my new mantras:

• “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” (1 Corinthians 6:12) I can eat everything that I want, but is it really beneficial to my body to have candy all day, eat an unhealthy dinner, and then top it off with ice cream?  No.  Its not.  Those are empty calories and they cause me to crave more of them, and less of God.
• “We reap what we sow” (paraphrased from Galatians 6:7-10).  Do I want to reap good benefits for my body or do I want to be tired all the time, gain weight, and feel uncomfortable?
• “If its not part of my plan, it doesn’t go in my mouth.”  She talks about getting on a healthy eating plan and having that accountability partner to help you stay on it.  My plan is strict.  I know it has to be.  Because if it isn’t, I will slip back into my old habits and make excuses.  I look forward to the day when I can have ice cream because I don’t crave it and it won’t own me.  The plan isn’t a diet.  It’s a new lifestyle for eating.  I know someday I will be able to make special allowances in my life to eat fun things, but it can never become a daily thing, or it will rule me.

I am reading this book.  Over and over.  Everyday if I have to.  I will meet with my sister in Christ weekly to discuss temptations, pitfalls, failures, and victories.  I will be honest with her.  Even if it hurts my pride.  We will also discuss this book.

I’ve made a healthy eating plan.  Basically it consists of the things I will not eat.  Some of these items include: candy, sweets, ice cream, bad fast food (I can have like salads and grilled chicken things), no deep fried foods, and you get the picture.  Now this doesn’t mean that this is what everyone’s “give up” list should look like…it’s what I struggle with.  So, as a friend, if you see me eating these things, first slap it out of my hand, and then slap me in the face.  LOL.  Okay maybe not that harsh but lovingly ask me if what I’m eating is included in my healthy eating plan.  Because if its not, it shouldn’t go in my mouth.

So why am I telling you all this?  First, so you can pray for me.  I know as soon as I post this blog and people begin to read it, I will be SLAMMED with temptations because Satan doesn’t want women to be freed from this.  Second, I blog this because I believe I’m not alone in how I feel.  I want this blog to encourage some of you out there that you can stop this cycle.  You don’t have to feel helpless.  I don’t do this so I can lose weight (although that will be a nice perk!!) but I do it because I need to love and rely on God more than I love and rely on food.  I want my life to be different.  I want to feel good in my clothes.  I want to give God all that I am and never crave anything more than I crave Him.  So what do you say?  If you struggle with this, will you join me??

If you’re on the fence about it…let me just say:

You were made for more than this.

You were made for victory.

You are more than being ruled by your taste buds.

You were made to be a child of God.

You were made to love God.

You were made to crave God.

Be encouraged, dear sister.  You are not alone.

(I will probably blog about this more and try to keep readers posted on my journey.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  So stay tuned for more.)